Triangular Gravitation
by R4v3n Kn1ght
Summary: Memories surface on Vulcan as Amanda and Sarek await the return of their son, and another awaits the return of her lover. A katra is restored, but restoring memories is much harder...
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** I do not own Star Trek, or any recognizable characters, locations, etc. They all belong to Gene Roddenberry (the writers of all episodes and films referenced) and Paramount Pictures, and my playing with the characters is not intended as disrespect for the characters or the actors that give them life.

The title comes from the following: The Triangular Theory of Love, which consists of intimacy, passion, and commitment, along with the term gravitation, which I reference the definitions of "the act or process of moving under the influence of attraction; the natural phenomenon of attraction between physical objects."

The story begins near Spock's _fal tor pan_ (re-fusion of his body and katra) in _Star Trek III: The Search for Spock._

**Triangular Gravitation**

**Prologue**

_**~Vulcan~**_

Ever since his death, she could not sleep. Nothing could offer her comfort or distraction. The only time she could sleep was when her body demanded it in order to recover from the exhaustion to which she had driven herself. Voices did not comfort her, the sounds of the planet did not comfort her. Her husband did not comfort her. His Vulcan features only made her remember that her son was dead.

Her son was dead.

Lady Amanda walked through her home as quietly and slowly as the darkness descended on the moonless planet she had called home since marrying Ambassador Sarek. The house was silent. Her home had never been a noisy environment anyway, but once there was silence for so long, a single sound would be deafening. Even when Spock was a child he would sit outside quietly with her while he was reading something related to his schooling that Amanda could not believe he could understand as she tended the plants.

Ever since her husband and son stopped speaking to each other, her son very rarely visited home. It was too painful an event not only for herself, but for both of her husband and son. The tension was firmly in place between the two men. The conversation was halted and clipped. On Spock's rare visits home Amanda had solid evidence against the widespread belief that Vulcans had no emotions. On his last visit home, she had spoken to her son. He informed her that he believed it brought her too much pain for him to visit, and that he would not return until his father was ready to speak to him about the tensions between them. Amanda remembered what she told him.

"_Spock, your visit is only painful because you and your father are too stubborn to speak to each other." _

"_Mother," he began, only to be interrupted by her. _

"_But you must understand that if the joy of seeing you means I must deal with the pain of watching my husband and son unable to speak as they once did…I can accept that." _

"_Mother, I do not wish to cause you pain. It is clear that coming home causes my father pain. To remove it, it is obvious that I must not come home." _

_Amanda's expression turned horror-stricken. "Are you saying that you will not ever come home again?" _

_Her son remained stoic in face, but his dark eyes were practically screaming at his mother. "I cannot so long as it hurts you." Spock looked down then he turned and was about to walk away. _

"_Spock," Amanda called. Spock stopped and faced her. Amanda took a step forward. "You can always come home when your father is away. Not seeing you would hurt me more than what has been happening when you've come home." _

_Spock nodded. "To come home whenever my father is away is disrespectful to him. There are also many variables left to chance in your proposal. My duties in Starfleet would not permit me to return whenever my father is away. There is also the possibility that I would be available for leave only when my father is not away." _

_Amanda held up her hand to try to stop Spock from speaking. He did. When she looked up at her son, she knew her eyes held tears. "Spock…" _

_Spock came to her, but did not touch her. "Mother." He looked at her intensely for a long moment. When he spoke his tone was surprisingly gentle. "Would it please you if I were to frequently communicate with you in other ways?" _

_Amanda sighed her answer. "Yes." _

_Spock nodded. "Then, I will com you when my duties allow. Will that satisfy you?" _

_Amanda nodded and tried to smile. "Yes."_

_Spock tilted his head as he looked at his mother. "And yet you are crying." _

_Amanda looked up at Spock, knowing that her eyes had begun to release tears. "They're happy tears, Spock." _

_Spock raised an eyebrow just like his father. "A strange human trait to cry when one is happy." _

_Amanda smiled at her son's studious face. _

But now, her son was dead and her tears were far from happy. She was told by Sarek that Captain Kirk was currently attempting to recover her son's body. But Amanda wanted her son…alive…and it could not be.

Then, she heard it. A gentle sound that had been absent from her home for a long time, from before her husband and son began their silent dispute. It was a long-missed sound.

Amanda was brought out of her musing on her son and wandered out of her bedroom. As soon as she left the room, the sound was louder. She was able to discern from which room it came almost instantly. She was not sure if her grief was playing tricks on her, and so she approached the room slowly and carefully. It was her son's childhood room. She stopped just near the doorjamb and listened.

She heard the sound continue, though it stopped occasionally. She thought she heard a sniffle, but was not sure if it was her own. Was it Sarek? Could he possibly be showing his grief for the death of their son with whom he had never reconciled? Was he finally showing emotion?

Amanda risked it, and she peered around the doorjamb. What she saw, she did not expect.

She saw the back of the Starfleet officer who was residing with them. This officer was responsible for beaming her fellow colleagues onto the Enterprise so that they could steal it in their unofficial mission. Then, Sarek had left Earth with this female officer and journeyed to Vulcan, in order to await Kirk's arrival with Spock's body, and to offer this woman protection.

The same woman that Amanda now watched holding her son's Vulcan lyrette as one would longingly and tenderly hold the memory of a lost friend, but stroking the strings as one would softly stroke the hair of a lover.

**To be continued… **

_Thanks for reading! Please leave some feedback so I can see where I stand. If people are interested I'll keep going, but since I do not have this story quite on its feet yet, I would like to know what people think and if it's worth continuing. So, please let me know your thoughts. Thank you! _


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** See author's note in Prologue for disclaimer. Thank you to everyone who is leaving reviews! It's very exciting! I hope to hear from more readers. Enjoy, everyone.

**Chapter One**

_**~Vulcan~**_

He knew what had happened before he had received the com-call.

Ambassador Sarek had been attending to his official diplomatic duties during the afternoon when his aid approached him with a white, sterile-looking PADD. He'd picked up the stylus, when his mind was suddenly filled with pain as though something was torn from him. Sarek clenched the stylus in his hand as his eyes stared wide and blank in front of him.

"Osu Sarek?" the younger Vulcan standing beside him said.

Sarek drew in a breath, but it was strained. He struggled to do so. "Ki'gla-tor nash-veh…" Sarek withdrew into himself for a moment as he tried to figure out the source of his pain. With the realization, his eyes closed slowly. "Sa-fu t'nash-veh…"

The other Vulcan drew back a step in understanding. "Osu," he began only to be silenced by the quiet sound of the ambassador's voice.

"Spock."

Sarek did not concentrate on his pain. He knew what had happened as soon as he knew that the pain came from his son. The bond between them, the parent-child bond, had been broken.

His son was dead.

Sarek brought his breathing under control as he opened his eyes. He swallowed and resumed his task with the stylus. The other Vulcan watched him stoically. Sarek straightened his posture as he handed the PADD back to his aid. "You may go," he dismissed him. The aid turned and walked away from Sarek.

Sarek exhaled softly and stood from his chair at his desk. He crossed his office and opened the door that led to an outside balcony. He felt the sting of the wind hit his face as he went to the railing. He set his hands on the railing and looked out on his office's view of Shi'kahr. The landscape usually gave him a way to quiet his mind when he could not meditate, but not then.

He searched his mind for the link between himself and his son, but found it gone. He hoped he had been mistaken. He could not find nor feel his son. Sarek then realized something else.

Amanda would not know yet. With that thought, Sarek knew he had to get home to her before she received any sort of message while she was alone. Sarek made up his mind and turned from the view of Shi'kahr.

His need to be home was more imperative than his need to be in his office.

~X~X~X~X~

Sarek did not expect Amanda to greet him on his arrival home. He entered their home with quicker steps than usual. Once he crossed the threshold of his house, he stood and settled himself. How was he going to tell Amanda that he knew that their son was dead?

He entered his home and listened for a sound that would alert him to his wife's presence. He did not hear anything. He dared not open their link either, because he knew he would be unable to shield her from the knowledge of what had befallen their son. Sarek thought of the places Amanda frequented in their home, and he began towards those locations.

He looked into his home office where he would frequently find her hurriedly ending a conversation with their son. He thought of how he would never see the glimpse of Spock's face as he quickly bid Amanda goodbye until they next spoke. Never again would he see Spock's face even for that brief moment before the connection was broken. He knew that Amanda wanted them to speak as they had when Spock was young before the rebellious child had decided to enlist in Starfleet.

"_Sarek, it _is_ logical for him to choose Starfleet."_

"_Logic has little to do with his decision. The emotions in him which you have encouraged since his childhood have caused him to turn from his people."_

_Amanda looked at Sarek as though stricken. "That is unjust. His people are not only Vulcans, but Humans, too. You cannot expect him to deny half of himself." _

"_If he wishes to remain on Vulcan then he may have to deny his humanity." _

_Amanda looked down and breathed deeply before her eyes rose to meet his. "And have you ever denied me, Sarek? Have you ever denied that you've chosen a member of an inferior species as your wife?" _

"_Of course not. To deny you would be to deny I have a wife, which is not logical—"_

"_Then for you to say that Spock should deny his humanity is also not logical. He has not been accepted here since he was a child. He's not accepted here on Vulcan. In Starfleet he will be! He won't be the only one different there." _

"_He is not the only one different here. There are those not native to Vulcan residing here who are employed in the embassy." _

_Amanda shook her head and grinned at her husband. "Oh, Sarek," she sighed. "Whether you agree or not, Spock is making the logical choice." _

He saw his wife sitting calmly in the chair in front of the com unit, her fingers touching the correct pads that would connect her to their son. His breath caught in his throat as he realized that this was the usual time in which his son and his wife would speak. Usually, he would still be working.

"My wife," he called from the doorway.

Amanda froze in the chair, showing her surprise at his voice, but she managed to resist flailing in her surprise. Sarek remembered when he used to unintentionally scare her when he would come into a room behind her silently and call for her. After several times of failing to alert her to his presence, he would open their link to warn her of his impending arrival. But not this time. Not when he knew what she did not.

Amanda turned the chair to face her husband with a welcoming smile. "Sarek, you've forgotten to warn me you were coming."

Sarek remained in the doorway. "I did not forget, I simply chose not to announce my arrival to you."

Amanda's warm expression grew nervous. Despite having learned a great deal of emotional serenity through her marriage and living on Vulcan, her features were remarkably expressive. "Is something wrong?" She stood from the chair and began to slowly, cautiously walk towards Sarek. She extended the first two fingers of her right hand to him. Sarek looked at her hand and took a step back. His wife's posture grew instantly rigid and she looked at him with obviously growing fear. "Sarek?"

Sarek's dark eyes met hers, though he revealed nothing in his facial features. "There is…" He closed his eyes, trying to find a non-logical way to tell her. "Amanda," he tried again. He heard her step closer to him. "It is my observation that when humans receive information that is unpleasant that they should not be standing."

He looked at her. He noticed that her lips were pressed together tightly and her eyes were stone. "What is it?"

"I would recommend you seat yourself. What I must tell you is unpleasant."

Amanda shook her head. "No, just tell me."

Sarek sighed in an odd mix of patient frustration. "Please, adun'a." He waited for her to obey and sit down, but when she continued to stare at him, he met her gaze firmly. "I have returned home because of this occurrence to spare you the pain of being alone to possibly receive this information from a person unknown to you." He paused. "Amanda…I…" He saw that she was beginning to tremble in fear. He released an unsteady breath as he realized that he could not form the words in any other way but the blunt, cold facts. He refused to tell her about Spock's death as though he were a statistic. He closed his eyes as he extended his index and middle finger towards her, and waited for the contact of her skin to his.

He felt her trembling fingers touch his in the ozh'esta. He curled his fingers around to hold hers firmly as he opened his dark brown eyes to meet her grey eyes. He said nothing as he opened the link between them. He knew that she was slowly piecing together what he was trying to tell her. He watched her closely, unsure of how she would react.

Then, he knew.

Amanda's grey eyes widened and began to shine with tears. She struggled to breathe, and her lips drifted apart as she tried to draw in a breath. "No…" Her fingers within her husband's began to shake, and she wrapped them around his as though they assured her of safety. She began to slowly shake her head. "Oh, Sarek, no." Her whole body began to tremble. Then, she began to fall, the action breaking the ozh'esta.

Sarek caught her by her arms and tried to lift her to her feet, but she was limp in his grip and she continued to fall. He looked around the office for someplace to seat her, but the nearest place was several paces away. He tried to guide her to the chair from which she stood to greet him, but her legs would not cooperate. Amanda's hands clutched the front of his ambassadorial robes until her hands were white. Her breathing hitched as though she were trying to be as silent as her husband. Despite Sarek supporting her and despite her grip on her husband, her legs refused to support her.

Sarek closed his eyes as he gently lowered them to the floor. Amanda's hands flattened against his chest as her legs folded on the floor. She made choking sounds in her throat, still struggling to breathe. Sarek looked at her and saw that her eyes were clenched shut, trying to deny her tears, and her lips were pressed firmly together. He noticed that she was struggling to breathe through her nose. "Amanda," he called her softly. Her response was that her trembling increased in violence.

He cradled the back of her head tenderly and gently urged her towards him. As she slowly began to accept his urging, he tenderly tucked her head against his chest and leaned his cheek against her hair. With slight hesitation, Sarek wound his left arm around his wife's shoulders and held her to him. Finally, with his right hand he sought out her fingers and clutched them again in the ozh'esta.

"Amanda, do not restrain your grief." And then, Amanda sobbed. Sarek closed his eyes and drew her closer to his body. With barely concealed emotion, Sarek whispered against her hair, "Tushah nash-veh k'du, k'hat'n'dlawa."

**To be continued…**

_Thank you for reading. Please let me know your thoughts! Reviews make me happy. (If my Vulcan translations are off, or something is way off somewhere in the Star Trek universe, please let me know. Thanks.)_

_Vulcan Translations – Courtesy of The Vulcan Language Dictionary: _

"_Osu" – Sir; used as a polite form of address to a man, used as an honorific before the given name or the full name of baronets and knights. (Thought this would apply to ambassadors, too.)_

"_Ki'gla-tor nash-veh…" – I have seen…_

"_Sa-fu t'nash-veh…" – My son…_

_Shi'kahr – Vulcan's Capital City_

"_Adun'a" – wife_

_Ozh'esta – finger embrace, the touching of the index and middle fingers between bondmates and/or t'hy'la. _

"_Tushah nash-veh k'du, k'hat'n'dlawa." – 'I grieve with you, half of [my] heart and soul.' This is also translatable as, 'one who is half of my heart and soul in the deepest sense.' It became unfashionable after the Reformation because of its emotional connotation. (Still thought it appropriate despite that as I feel that Sarek and Amanda have a very deep relationship.) _


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** _I apologize for the massive delay in this story! The lack of update is inexcusable! I have not given up on it. Far from it, actually. This chapter gave me a really hard time. (I've also just moved, so with all of that hassle, writing time was cut to basically nothing!) I could not get this chapter to work. This is the best I could get it. Again, I am so sorry for the embarrassingly slow update speed. I hope people are still interested in the story! That said, on with it. Happy reading!_

**Chapter Two **

_**~ The Mutara Sector ~**_

Saavik did as the departing Admiral Kirk ordered and took the command chair on the bridge. There was very little to do other than to supervise the flight of _The Enterprise_ as it cleared the safe barrier beyond the Genesis Effect. She monitored the visual of their departure stoically, just as her mentor taught her. Taking the command of a ship was a serious task and considering that she was still relatively inexperienced, she would do her best to conduct herself as befitted a commander of a vessel.

She recalled briefly the beginning of this mission-gone-wrong.

"_Take her out, Mr. Saavik." _Her mentor, Captain Spock, had faith in her abilities. She wished that she shared that faith. She remembered the small discussion just after her experience of the Kobayashi Maru.

"_Captain, I believe that I am capable of command. I feel that the Kobayashi Maru was not an adequate exam in which to test that ability." She tried to pierce him with her eyes to make him understand her frustration. _

"_You _feel_, ne-lan t'nash-veh?" he said, with a barely perceptible upturn of one side of his lips. His eyebrow raised in his outward display of amusement. _

_Saavik sighed and lowered her head miserably. "I am trying to give your training the honor of which it deserves…Savensu t'nash-veh." _

_She did not hear him immediately respond and knew that it most likely indicated that he was studying her. "Saavik-kan," he said softly. She looked up at him, knowing that he would wait as long as it took until she looked at him again. She raised her head. She saw that he had tilted his head, probably as he studied her miserable countenance. "There has only been one trainee that has ever defeated the Kobayashi Maru." _

"_Was it you, sir?" _

"_Indeed not," he said. Suddenly, he looked as though his mind was momentarily far away lost in his memories. "It was a young human named James T. Kirk." _

"_What was his solution?" _

_Spock tilted his head back to his typical pose – straight and composed. "Perhaps you should ask him. His solution was…interesting, and may put your sense of inadequacy at rest." She nodded in response. She then walked past her mentor. She knew he would turn to watch her departure. "Sa-mekh…" As soon as she said it, she grimaced. _

"_You have not addressed me as such since you were a child." _

_Saavik exhaled and looked up at Spock with an expression of a child that was caught misbehaving, but feeling no guilt about it. "Forgive me for my lapse, sir." _

"_It is unnecessary, k'war'ma'khon." Saavik relaxed at the familiar address. She offered him a shy smile. "I expect your presence aboard _The Enterprise_, Mr. Saavik." He raised his hand in the ta'al hand salute. Saavik schooled her facial features into neutrality and returned the gesture. Then, she turned and left her mentor behind. _

It was several long minutes before she decided to speak to anyone on the bridge. "Doctor Marcus," Saavik said turning her head just enough to catch the figure that she addressed in her peripheral vision. "Do you estimate that we have reached safe distance?"

"Yes, I think we're okay," answered the young human man that had been with Saavik, Doctor McCoy, and Admiral Kirk in the Genesis Cave.

"Confirmed from Helm and Navigation, Lieutenant," said Hikaru Sulu.

Saavik was turning in the command chair to face the front view screen. She dimly heard the communications officer, Commander Uhura, begin to say something to her, but whatever it was Saavik was unable to comprehend it. At the moment that the familiar communications officer began to speak Saavik leaned heavily into one side of the command chair with a barely audible gasp, the fingers of the hand on which she rested her head touched her temple. She closed her eyes and immediately understood what was going on elsewhere on the ship. She did not want to acknowledge it and so she looked to the science station of the bridge, Spock's station, and saw what she already knew she would find. It was empty.

"_Mr. Spock, can you link us like you were really my father?"_

"_It may not be wise." _

"_But why not?"_

_He paused. "Because should anything happen to either of us, the other would feel it. I had hoped to spare you from that." _

"_But you are linked to her," she pouted, pointing to the human woman across the room. "She'd feel if something happened to you right?" _

"_She is my k'diwa, Saavik-kan." He looked away from the half-Vulcan, half-Romulan child to the human woman. Saavik saw the woman's eyes lift to Spock's and she smiled at him. _

"_Please, Mr. Spock?" She did her best to make her expression as sweet and eager as possible in an attempt to convince him. He shook his head once. _

"_I will address the issue with my wife, child. If we agree, then I shall establish a link between us. Will that satisfy you for now?" _

_Saavik did not answer him, but instead focused her attention on the woman seated away from them. "You'll agree, won't you, adun'a t'Spock?" she asked with a hopeful grin._

_The woman smiled at the child. "I won't tell you again, Saavik. You don't have to be so formal and polite to me. Call me something else besides Spock's wife." _

_Saavik's brow crinkled in thought. "What should I call you then?" _

_Her eyes rose to meet Spock's gaze. "I think Nyota would be fine for now." _

"_But if you and Mr. Spock agree to a link and Mr. Spock becomes like my father, then that would make you my mother." _

"_Yes, I suppose it would," Uhura responded, her attention back on Saavik. _

"_Then I should call you ko-mekh." _

_Uhura looked then to Spock for help silently. He understood. "Do not make presuppositions, Saavik-kan. We will discuss it tonight." _

"_When will I know what you decide?" _

"_As soon as the decision is reached." _

_When Saavik launched herself into Spock's chest in a tight hug, Spock stiffened for a moment. Savvik heard Uhura whisper, "Go on," before she felt stiff hands enfold her in a slightly awkward and uncomfortable embrace. At that moment, Saavik was sure that Spock and Uhura would not refuse. _

Saavik turned the command chair away from the empty science station, her fingers still holding her head. She turned the chair then to face the communications station. She saw that Commander Uhura's expression was tight and her eyes were clenched. Her hands were clutching the console in front of her as a strangled sound tore from her throat.

"Ko-mekh," Saavik called to Uhura in a shaky voice.

Uhura opened her eyes and looked at Saavik. And in that moment Saavik's fear was confirmed.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Commander Uhura heard reports coming in from various sections of her earpiece. She was about to relay what was going on throughout the ship to the young Vulcan-Romulan now in the command chair when suddenly she heard a familiar voice in her head. It was quiet, and it was weak.

'_Ashayam…Eit-jae nash-veh…t'vu thrap-fam'es…nufau…'_

Then, Uhura felt nothing but what seemed like a severe headache. It grew stronger by the instant. She clenched her jaw, determined not to make a sound in this foreign pain. She gripped the console in front of her so that she could stay upright. Her vision blurred and she realized that tears sprung to her eyes at the pain in her mind. She closed her eyes before they could escape.

She felt for their bond. It was weak and disappearing as quickly as smoke into the air. '_Spock!' _she cried in her mind, trying desperately to find him. '_Adun!' _

Silence. Then, where there was at least a thin veil that was the bond she shared with Spock…there was nothing but pain. Then she began to understand. Spock was not there in her mind. Her pain grew into crippling agony.

Her grip tightened even further on her console. Then she heard Saavik's voice. "Ko-mekh…" Uhura struggled to open her eyes. She looked at Saavik and saw that she looked terrified and far younger than her age.

Suddenly, Uhura tore the receiver from her ear and stood from her station. She could not bring herself to speak. She dimly heard Saavik order Sulu to take over command. Uhura felt someone take her arm and keep her steady as she reached the turbolift doors. Saavik's grip on her arm was bruising. The doors opened and Saavik escorted her into the lift.

"Computer, locate Captain Spock," Saavik ordered.

Uhura did not even hear the computer's response or Saavik ordering the turbolift where to deliver them, or the computer's response informing them that it was inoperable past a certain deck. The pain in her head had peaked, and she swayed. If Saavik did not support her, she would have fallen. Uhura's pain was beginning to dim. She briefly wondered if she was simply becoming accustomed to it.

~X~X~X~X~X~

In the Engineering section, there was no one who was growing accustomed to the idea that Captain Spock had just given his life to save everyone else's lives. The entire deck was silent with the exception of the sound of the machines that everyone surrounded. Everyone was statuesque and their attention was focused on two motionless figures – one from death, one from despair.

Spock's ravaged body did not move beyond the clear wall that separated him from everyone else. His eyes were closed, but his expression was not peaceful. It was pained. It was a painful surrender. He died separated from everyone else, just as he had lived so much of his life separated from everyone around him.

Mirroring Spock's motionless form was the equally still figure of Admiral Kirk. His eyes seemed to see nothing, like the man did not wish to believe his eyes. He was crumbled on the deck plates, utterly speechless in his astonished state. He knew that Spock's body was close enough for him to touch, if only they were not separated.

_Spock pressed his bare but bleeding hand against the transparent aluminum in the Vulcan salute. He groaned before his destroyed voice managed to rasp, "Live long…and prosper." _

_Unwilling to believe that Spock was about to die, Kirk touched his hand to the wall wishing he could give Spock one last comfort. The Vulcan closed his eyes and struggled to settle himself on the deck. As though he had found a comfortable position, he sighed…then did not draw another breath. _

"_No," Kirk moaned at the sight of his unmoving friend. _

He felt something then. It was the first thing he felt in what seemed an immeasurable amount of time. He only realized that he was feeling anything because of how hot it was. Kirk realized that he could not see anything, and that it was because of something so simple. He realized that a single tear had burned its way down his face. At the realization, Kirk felt another scald a path down his cheek. Somehow, he barely managed to stay quiet. Spock deserved the respect of silence.

Kirk did not move anything but his eyes in order to look at Doctor McCoy. His closest friend besides Spock looked at him through glazed eyes. The surgeon had seen so much death that he was almost immune to it. Kirk knew that. He would wager that Bones knew the name and cause of death of every patient that he failed to save. However, Kirk also knew that despite their bickering and constant opposing opinions, his two greatest friends deeply respected and valued each other. And because of this, Kirk knew that Spock's death was affecting Bones just as deeply as it was affecting himself.

He shifted his gaze to his chief engineer. At the start of this simple training cruise, Scotty was beaming with pride to have his young nephew aboard. Only hours later, his sister's son was dead. Scotty had been devastated, but he was still proud of his nephew. _"He stayed at his post when the trainees ran."_ The young man had died bravely, just as Spock had died bravely. Both deaths were needless.

Scotty was trying to keep himself planted in his position, but he swayed with the effort. Losing his nephew was a tragedy, but to lose someone with whom he had served beside for decades was nearly unbearable. The Scotsman tried to school his expression, but it resulted in him biting his lips together to hold back his voice, and his whole body to tremble.

A movement caught Kirk's eyes above Scotty's head, but he dared not look yet. There was noise. Someone was descending one of the ladders slowly as though they were already aware of what had occurred. It sounded like two people. Then, the sound stopped and silence reigned again.

It was then that James T. Kirk finally moved.

He lifted his head to see two familiar faces. One was a young half-Romulan, half-Vulcan woman. It took a moment for the Admiral to recall her name. Saavik. Slightly in front of Saavik stood his beautiful and intelligent former communications officer, Commander Uhura. She had her hands clenched around the rail of the platform on which she stood.

Kirk raised his hazel eyes awash with tears to meet those of Uhura's dark brown eyes from across the entire chamber. She stood upright and strong above him, above Spock, with a masked and controlled, tearless expression that made Kirk think that he had never seen Nyota Uhura look more Vulcan than she did at that moment.

**To Be Continued…**

**Chapter Notes:** _There are several direct quotes used from _Star Trek II – The Wrath of Khan. _They are used with respect. _

_Note on Saavik's character for this story: On either Memory Alpha or Wikipedia (to be honest I forget exactly which of the two I got the following), it states that Saavik was found by Spock on a colony and that he took her from it. Then she was adopted by Sarek and Amanda, making Spock a brotherly mentor figure to Saavik. For the purposes of my story, Spock does find Saavik on a colony and removes her from it. However, he adopts her, not Sarek and Amanda. _

_Vulcan Translations – from the Vulcan Language Dictionary: _

"_Ne-lan t'nash-veh" = my student. _

"_Savensu t'nash-veh" = my teacher._

"_Saavik-kan" = 'kan' means child. I understand that 'kan' attached to someone's name equates to calling a person by a pet name such as, 'little one/young one.' In this case, it is like a pet name from Spock to Saavik, by calling her 'little Saavik/young Saavik.'_

"_Sa-mekh" = father._

"_K'war'ma'khon" = (as close as) extended family, but not genetically related. _

"_Ta'al" = Vulcan hand greeting/salute._

"_K'diwa" = beloved. Shortened form of k'hat'n'dlawa (half of each other's heart and soul)._

"_Adun'a t'Spock" = wife of Spock/Spock's wife. _

"_Ko-mekh" = mother. _

"_Ashayam" = 'Beloved.' Beloved person similar to t'hy'la, but more personal and with emotional connotations. Used as a term of endearment. _

"_Eit-jae nash-veh t'vu thrap-fam'es nufau." = I beg your forgiveness. _

"_Adun" = husband. _


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** _I know I am have a shameful update pace. I'm hoping I'll be forgiven with the length of this chapter. I wanted to get more character interactions into this story. This will be a grief-heavy story, just to warn everyone in case it was not clear. However, there will be more moments of not-so-much grief too. Hope everyone enjoys the chapter. Let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!_

**Chapter Three**

_**~ The Enterprise ~**_

Saavik hesitated outside the door that led to Spock's quarters on C-Deck, Room 3F 125 with a small package in her hands. The package contained the proper oils and ceremonial incense used during funeral preparations for Vulcans. She knew that it would be pointless to use the signal. The resident would not answer. However, Spock had once given her the access code to his quarters. She decided to use it then. With a hiss the door slid open and she entered her former mentor's…her father's cabin.

The first thing she noticed was that it was so lifeless. The glorious banner to her left of the Vulcan IDIC symbol shone in the dimly lit room. The meditation chair near it however was empty. It almost looked lonely in the dark corner of the room. The incense firepot was unlit. No fragrant smoke danced from it. Even when Spock was not meditating, he would have it lit so that the scent would soothe his mind. It was not required now. There was no one in the room.

Then, Saavik heard a quiet sniffle to her right. It came from the room that served Spock as his bedchamber. Saavik approached the door carefully and peered inside. The room was even less illuminated than the main chamber. The shadows and figures within were still distinguishable. She recognized the body that had been carefully laid on an antigravity stretcher in the middle of the room. She was surprised that Spock had not been laid out on his bed. Perhaps there was a medical restriction for that.

There was someone else in the room. It was her ko-mekh, Commander Uhura. The other woman had finally allowed her grief to show. She refused to reveal it in the presence of the other officers aboard the vessel, despite Admiral Kirk displaying his own tears at Spock's death. Now, though, in the privacy of Spock's bedchamber did Uhura allow her tears to fall. Saavik remained in the doorway, unsure what to do.

Uhura heard her shift on her feet however, and her head jerked up to look at her. "Saavik," she choked on the name. "Did…Admiral Kirk tell you what he thought would be a…" she began to sob, and tried to reclaim her voice. "A nice…funeral…" Then, her voice failed her and she did not want Saavik to see her lose herself like this. Uhura turned away from Saavik and leaned on the compartment that contained Spock's clothing, ducking her face away from the mirror.

Saavik stepped into the room and could not bring herself to look at Spock. Not yet.

"No, ko-mekh. He did not."

Uhura's shoulders shook. "It's a good idea, I think."

Saavik wanted to ask what she meant. But then, she had turned away from Uhura to allow the other woman to collect herself so that she could continue talking. She looked upon Spock. The skin on his face was ravaged by the radiation poisoning of that chamber. He almost did not look like himself. His eyes were closed, but it still looked like he was in pain. Saavik looked at his hands, his proudly elegant hands. Now they were destroyed. The blood had been cleaned away, but the mutilated skin remained. His hair was not yet in its proper style, although it barely mattered. The skin of his scalp was open in certain place, and the hair would not be able to cover it properly. Then, she noticed that his duty uniform had been removed.

"Ko-mekh," Saavik said quietly, as though Spock would awaken to a sound louder than a quiet conversation. Uhura turned to her. "Did you dress him yourself?" Uhura shook her head. Saavik ran her fingers over the black material in which Spock was draped. "Then how did he come to be wearing his meditation robe?"

Uhura took a deep breath. "The medical staff fully decontaminated the radiation from his body so that he could be…prepared for…this." After the last time, she could not bring herself to say 'funeral.' She looked at Spock and slowly came towards his supine body. "They brought him here after they stripped him of the uniform, and they helped me dress him in his meditation robe. I thought that he should…be mourned wearing Vulcan clothing, rather than anything issued by Starfleet."

Uhura reached towards Spock and ran her fingers softly on his black hair, vainly trying to smooth it back into his perfectly groomed style. His broken scalp did not allow it to settle correctly, though. She kept trying, not being afraid to touch the sterilized wounds.

Saavik came up to stand on the other side of his body across from Uhura. She joined her in looking down at him. "I think he would wish to be wearing this as well." Saavik reached out and lightly traced the Vulcan script embroidered on the robe over his chest. "C'thia," she said.

"Yeht'es," Uhura breathed, still trying to control his disheveled hair.

"Olozhika," continued Saavik as she finished tracing the embroidery.

Uhura accepted that she could only tame the hair so much. As she felt her tears run from her eyes, she brokenly whispered, "Kro'el t'vel-wehk." She stroked the short hairs on her husband's face to smooth his eyebrows into their usual clean slant. She ran her fingers along them again as she sighed, "The way things are…" A bittersweet smile reached her lips. "Indeed, adun t'nash-veh. Indeed."

~X~X~X~X~X~

Saavik left Spock's quarters after she had finished the Vulcan rituals as best as she could without being on Vulcan and without the services of a reldai. She could not yet comprehend that his katra would not be able to be preserved in the Katric Arks, that he was simply…gone. She realized that she still held the lingering scents of the incense on her as she walked towards the cabin that Admiral Kirk had claimed for his own use during what was supposed to be a simple training cruise.

It was time to inform the admiral that Spock was prepared for the service that he had planned for his fallen comrade and friend.

Saavik was well on her way through the ship when she heard a pair of voices from inside a storage cabin where many Starfleet items were held, such as spare uniforms and other such things that were required should there be a need to host a diplomatic function or dinner aboard the ship. In nothing but curiosity, Saavik stopped in the corridor and wandered into the doorway but not beyond the threshold. Inside the cabin were two of the senior officers that her sa-mekh had served with for many years. Two officers that she easily recognized and watched as they were unaware of her presence.

"I just…" started the helmsman as he opened another small compartment in the cabin. "I can't comprehend that…"

"Mister Spock is gone, Hikaru, I know," said the shorter man with his thick Russian accent as pronounced as it always had been. He was also looking through various compartments for something. "I feel the same vay. I don't know who I'll be going to for help vhen I can't figure out unknown scientific anomalies."

"I used to be an astroscientist, Pavel. Mister Spock wasn't the only one who could explain and fix everything that had to do with science." There was an almost bitter tone to his voice. It was well-known that at times Hikaru Sulu felt his efforts were slightly underappreciated. He was not only capable of piloting starships. He was very gifted in mathematics, in combat, botany, and in other areas. He, simply, very rarely got to display those other talents.

"I'm not saying he vas, but…" Chekov opened another compartment and relaxed as he found the ceremonial Starfleet flags. "Vell, he vas my instructor. I always sought his counsel. Mister Spock vas always able to explain things clearly to me. I walued his opinion and instruction." He looked down at the flag that they intended to use during the ceremony soon, and he sighed sadly. "I vill miss him." Chekov handed the folded flag to Sulu, who unfolded it and made sure it was an appropriate one before refolding it.

"We all will," Sulu agreed solemnly. They were both quiet as they lived in their own thoughts for a moment. They both stared at the flag. "I was thinking perhaps of possibly going through some fitness exercises later…to work off the stress from this whole thing. If you want to come and spar—"

Chekov shook his head. "No, no. That's alright. I…There has been enough running and fighting." He looked up at Sulu. "Ve all need time to grieve now."

They both began to leave the cabin. Saavik chose to enter the cabin and conceal herself in the shadows until they would pass her. She saw them walk toward her, and heard their continued conversation. Chekov was smiling fondly at a recollection. "I remember the first time Mister Spock trained me on the science scanner. I vas so nerwous I couldn't read anything right! Kept seeing things that veren't there. I vas so determined to impress him."

Sulu laughed softly. "I remember when you first took the science station when Spock had the command chair. You looked like you were expecting to fail."

"I vas!" Chekov said emphatically. "It is wery hard to take his place vhen he's right there vatching you. I hoped I vouldn't be reprimanded by him in front of the bridge. It vould have been wery embarrassing."

Sulu was still laughing as he remembered the event. "I'm sure you would've gotten over it."

"Have you been yelled at by Mister Spock?"

"Yes, and it was terrifying every time. I felt like a cadet all over again."

They were quiet as they passed Saavik's concealed figure. Then she heard Chekov say to Sulu quietly, "I hope I von't be needed at that post. I can't replace Mister Spock. No vone can."

Saavik bowed her head as the door hissed close as they left the storage cabin. She agreed with Chekov. No one could replace Spock.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Scotty was determined to find Saavik. He wanted to run the idea by her before he even thought about bothering Uhura with it. He carried a PADD with him with the necessary details of his proposal. He never had the chance to use his very little known talent aboard the ship. There was a time that he had tried many years ago, back when the crew of _The Enterprise_ was still on their famous five year mission, but the sound apparently carried throughout the entire Deck 5 of the ship before the extensive refit. His noise-making had woken up Jim Kirk several times and Scotty had suffered his morning aggravation at it, until the captain angrily asked the Chief Engineer to "agree to stop making that whining and loudly mournful sound unless we're on shore leave or I'll have to order you to stop, or worse, I'll court martial you for insubordination if you refuse!" Ever since, Montgomery Scott hadn't tortured anyone's ears with a musical instrument from his heritage.

Until the idea struck him about it about twenty minutes ago.

He was nearing the general location of Spock's quarters when he heard a storage cabin door hiss open. From it walked the very person he needed to see.

"Lassie," he called. Saavik turned toward him before she actually registered what he'd said. When she realized she'd been addressed, she looked directly at him as though expecting him to continue. Scotty tried to smile welcomingly at her. Apparently, he took too long to speak.

"May I be of assistance, Mister Scott?" she asked in a monotone voice. There was no doubt in Scotty's mind that Spock had been her instructor. She sometimes spoke just like him.

"I had a thought of how I could show my respect for Spock at the service."

Instantly, she responded. "How would that be, Mister Scott?" He extended the PADD towards her. She accepted it and looked at it. "This is a musical piece."

"Aye," he said, starting to get enthusiastic about his idea. "I included the lyrics on the file for you. I was hoping that you would let me play this at the services. Seeing as how he always appreciated diversity in all types of life."

"You refer to his adherence towards the Vulcan philosophy of IDIC – Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations."

He nodded. "Indeed I do. If I could play for this it would also…" And here is where he hesitated for a moment. "I don't mean to offend, lass, but it would remind others that Spock wasn't the only one that we lost in this voyage."

Saavik looked up from the PADD in her hands and met Scotty's grief-stricken eyes. She suddenly remembered an incident on the bridge that seemed like days ago. An image came to her memory of the man that stood before her holding the broken body of a young man in his arms. "You speak of your nephew." He nodded. She looked back at the PADD he had given her. She read the title and the words of the piece.

_That saved a wretch like me…_

Then, she understood. She met Scotty's eyes again. "I would be honored, Mister Scott, for you to play for those that lost their lives." She returned the PADD to him.

"Thank you, lass."

"May I ask what instrument you will be playing?"

Scotty gave a small smile. "An ancient instrument from Scotland – the bagpipes."

"I am familiar with the functioning of the instrument, but not of its sound."

Scotty nodded. "Admiral Kirk thought it was unbearable, actually. He even called it 'whining and loudly mournful' at one time."

Saavik inclined her head in response. "I have heard that grief is damaging to humans if it is contained and denied release. If your…bagpipes do indeed sound as mournful as you say Admiral Kirk believes, then I would reply that you have chosen an appropriate instrument to play at the services." Scotty met her gaze with a touched expression. Saavik continued, "I am on my way to speak with the admiral, now. I will inform him that I have accepted your offer of musical tribute to our fallen crew members."

Scotty began to continue towards Spock's quarters. "I just have to tell Commander Uhura."

Saavik's voice stopped him. "That will be unnecessary." He turned back to her. "I have already accepted your offer on behalf of – not only myself – but Commander Uhura and Captain Spock."

He gestured feebly down the corridor. "But—"

"Allow her to spend the last moments she can with him. She needs time to grieve for the death of her husband. Allow her that privacy. I assure you that your homage will be appreciated. Do not disturb her."

Scotty looked for a long moment at Saavik. Then, something gave in him. "Aye, lass," he sighed. "Sometimes you are just like Spock."

He began to walk with her towards Admiral Kirk's cabin. They were quite a distance from where they conversed before Saavik spoke again, her soft voice filled with evident sadness. "In no way could anyone replace Captain Spock, myself being the least qualified to do so."

~X~X~X~X~X~

"He gave his life so that all aboard _The Enterprise _might live. Once the Genesis Effect has stabilized we will send him to the surface of the newborn planet to rest in peace." He took a deep breath before continuing, cursing himself for being the emotional human that his comrade always tried to model himself _not_ to be. He wiped a hand over his eyes in exhaustion. "I regret to inform you of your son's passing in this way. We only barely have enough power to return to Earth's Spacedock. If it were otherwise, I would have ordered the ship to go to Vulcan to deliver this missive to you and your wife personally. On behalf of my crew, I give you all of our condolences on the loss of your son. If there is anything I, personally, can do for you in this time, please…inform me at once. Admiral Kirk, out."

Kirk sat back in his chair as he disconnected the communication. It was almost a blessing that he did not have to speak face-to-face with Ambassador Sarek, or even worse, Lady Amanda. He suddenly leaned forward and held his face in his hands. He never thought he would have to give this message to them. He never thought he would have to report Spock's death.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and knew immediately to whom it belonged by the firm grip. "Bones," he whispered.

"Jim," the other man replied.

Before Kirk could reply to his friend, he heard the door signal. "Come," he said, trying to make his voice steady. The door hissed open, but he didn't even look up to see who his visitor was.

Bones's greeting of, "Lieutenant Saavik," answered it for him.

Kirk heard her enter his cabin and the resulting door hiss shut after she entered. "Admiral," she greeted. "Commander Uhura and I have finished preparing Captain Spock for your proposed services. I have preformed as many of the Vulcan funeral rites as I am able without the aid of those who would have that full duty were we on Vulcan."

"Okay, Saavik," Kirk said, completely ignoring her rank. This was too personal a situation to adhere strictly to Starfleet formality. "Okay," he repeated. Then, after gathering himself, he stood from his seated position. He felt Bones support him by the arm as he wavered on his feet for a moment. He looked at Saavik. "How is Uhura?"

"She is grieving. She wishes to spend the last moments she has with her husband alone. I trust that you will not disturb her until all of the preparations are completed?" Kirk nodded in response.

Kirk shook Bones's grip from his arm. "I should make sure everything's getting ready." He began to walk towards the door.

Saavik stood aside to let him pass. The door slid open. "Admiral," she said, stopping him in the doorway. He looked at her. "Mister Scott has requested to give a musical tribute to those we have lost, particularly towards Captain Spock and his nephew, Peter Preston. On behalf of Commander Uhura I have approved of his request. I believe it did not undermine your authority."

Before Kirk could respond, the doctor spoke up. "What's he playing?" A second later, he realized it was a question that had two answers. He reworded his question to better clarify. "What instrument is he playing?"

She looked at McCoy and responded. "He has chosen the bagpipes." She missed Kirk's wince behind her as she continued. "It is an instrument that, I am told, has the reputation of a whining and mournful sound."

McCoy looked at Kirk just as the other man gazed helplessly at his friend. Then, the doctor smiled as he remembered Jim's threat to court martial Scotty should he play them again. He looked back at Saavik. "What song did he pick?"

"He has chosen a song called 'Amazing Grace.' Do you know the song?"

McCoy nodded. "Yes, I know it." He answered before Kirk could again. "So does he."

Saavik noticed the sour expression still on Kirk's face. "Is it an inappropriate song, Admiral?"

Kirk had managed to get as far as opening his mouth before his friend replied for him yet again. "It's fine. I know I look forward to hearing it." Kirk shook his head and then left, thinking he wasn't exactly needed there if Bones was going to speak for him. The door hissed shut behind him, leaving Saavik and Doctor McCoy in the admiral's cabin.

"Have I given offense to Admiral Kirk?"

McCoy shook his head. "No. He's just trying to deal with everything that happened." He walked back to a chair and lowered himself into it. "And, you, Lieutenant Saavik. Are you handling all of this alright?"

Saavik looked at him. "I do not understand the question." She began to walk towards the door.

"You know," he began, his voice stopping her exit. "Spock used to try that tactic on me all the time." She faced him again, and he looked straight at her. "The whole pretending to not know what I was talking about tactic. I sometimes let him win, and sometimes I just kept on pushing him."

"Why would you do such a thing?" she took a step closer, obviously interested.

"Because that green-blooded Vulcan raised you. Some of his tendencies had to have rubbed off on you somewhere. And if there's one thing that did, it's that annoying and healthy habit of ignoring your emotions."

She shifted on her feet. "To live at the command of your emotions is not logical."

"Emotions aren't logical, dear," he countered. "You know what else is illogical?" He didn't wait for her answer. "Pretending you're something you're not. You may be half-Vulcan, but the other half of you is all emotional and sassy Romulan somewhere in there. Just like Spock was half made up of an emotional and sarcastic human, thanks to his mother." He leaned forward in the chair. "And considering that I know you have emotions, I'm asking you if you've let yourself grieve for the loss of the person who in every way but blood was your father?"

Something in Saavik began to unravel. She lowered her eyes to the floor. When she replied, it was so quiet that the doctor had to get up and then ask her to repeat it. Then, she looked up at him, and he saw that she was desperately trying to hold back tears. "No, Doctor McCoy."

Then, the first tear fell.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Mother and son walked towards a cabin that contained a man that had not been a part of their lives for almost twenty-five years. Carol Marcus looked at her son nervously from her position one step behind him. She was hoping that Jim Kirk could manage a conversation with their son, David. Their time together in the Genesis Cave was not exactly the most pleasant for father and son. And now, with the death of Spock, Carol doubted that any conversation would go any smoother.

They were now at the door that separated the corridor from Kirk's quarters. Carol did not want to even risk signaling their presence at the door. Instead, she nudged David to simply enter the cabin.

The door slid open and he boldly stepped inside, his mother following just behind to stand in the open doorway. She noticed that the cabin did not contain James T. Kirk at all, but rather two others. She wished her son had noticed before he had begun speaking. "Sir, I just wanted to say that—"

"Not now, son," came the soft interruption from Doctor McCoy.

David's head shot upwards as an unexpected voice spoke. He took in the sight of his estranged father's friend comforting the attractive and young Vuclan-looking woman that had been in the Genesis Cave with them. There was a sob that was muffled by the man's chest. David watched as McCoy tightened his arms around the young woman and simply held her in comfort.

"Doctor McCoy," Carol called from the doorway. She waited for the older man's gaze to shift to her. "You wouldn't know where Jim is, do you?"

Instead of verbally replying, McCoy simply nodded his head. Gently, he coaxed Saavik out of his arms. She viciously swiped her tears away with her fingers in harsh, quick motions, but she kept her back to the others who had entered the room. McCoy's eyes lingered on her for a long moment before he began to walk towards Carol. David turned to face him as he passed him, making to follow him. However, the eldest doctor in the room turned to David and quietly – though he somehow managed to make it sound like an order – said, "Stay here with her. Besides, you could give her advice on how to live without a father." Then, he went to Carol and led her away by the arm, but not harshly. He led her in a friendly manner.

David stood in the center of the cabin silently until that quiet was broken by a soft sob. He looked toward the young Starfleet officer. He searched his memory for her name. Saavik. He saw her shoulders shaking as she tried to control her emotions. Then, David thought about what Doctor McCoy had said and he made the connection. This young woman thought of Spock as her father, and now he was gone.

David felt that he couldn't leave the room, nor could he remain where he was standing. Without really thinking, he found himself crossing the few steps it took to stand at her back. Without a word, he reached up and rested his hands on her shoulders gently. He felt them shake under his palms and he tightened his hold. Then, he heard her try to restrain a sob.

"It gets easier," he tried, cursing himself for how much worse it sounded out loud when mixing with her sobs than by itself in his head.

She pulled away from his hands and he felt even worse. David dropped his gaze to the floor in failure. He couldn't even comfort someone. Then, he was shocked as he felt her hands drift up his chest and then he found himself flush against her. She rested her pointed ear over his heart and let her tears dampen his clothes. Awkwardly, David enfolded this woman that he didn't know into his arms, trying to offer her what little comfort he could.

"I hope so," she whispered against him.

David didn't reply except to rest his cheek against her curly hair.

~X~X~X~X~X~

She stroked the strings of the lyrette gently as she perched on the bedding looking upon the body of her husband. She was humming brokenly in a brief instrumental section between the verses of the song she was struggling to sing. She gazed upon Spock's closed eyes as she managed to resume singing.

"I'll be back, though it takes forever," she sang directly to her husband, knowing he could no longer hear her. "Forever is just a day. Forever is just another journey." And her voice began to falter as she continued. "Tomorrow a stop along the way…"

She knew she needed another round of just music before continuing. It was as though she were looking at Spock as she was swimming on the other side of a transparent wall. His features were blurring. Uhura realized that again her eyes were tear-stricken. She couldn't bear to look at her husband's still figure anymore as she sang. So, she closed her eyes.

_She was trying to go through the supposedly simple melody that she had been taught on the Vulcan's lyrette while she waited for her tutor in the recreation room. He would arrive at any moment, and she already knew he would likely be displeased in her inability to play it. She could hear the sounds in her head, but was having trouble making them with the strings of the instrument. So, she began to softly hum to try to match the instrument to her vocal pitch. _

_Then, someone interrupted her in her solitude in the rec. room. "Miss Uhura," came the voice of the Vulcan from the doorway. "You are aware that the ka'athyra is very rarely accompanied by a vocal performance?" _

_Uhura turned the chair to face him, acknowledging him with a shy smile. "I was only trying to remember the tune, sir." _

_Spock entered the rec. room fully, one of his hands behind his back, and stopped beside her chair, choosing to remain standing. "Perhaps it would be easier if your own pitch was correct." _

_Many people would take a comment like that as a direct insult, but Uhura realized that it was a way to point out the flaw in the execution of her plan and not meant as an insulting remark to the actual method itself. Again with a little shyness, she responded. "You did teach it to me last week." _

"_That I instructed you on a basic Vulcan melody approximately one week previous does not account for your inability to play it. A week should have been sufficient time to practice and then adequately perform the piece. I can only speculate that you have _not_ practiced as you said you would. In response to your lack of discipline towards my instruction I would propose to terminate these lessons."_

_Uhura looked directly at Spock and subtly narrowed her eyes. "Your speculation is incorrect, Mister Spock," she said firmly. "It may be a simple melody for a Vulcan to learn and play…adequately, but for a human who has never played the instrument nor heard the song before…" She sighed in frustration. "It is a different thing." _

_Spock shifted his other hand behind his back, where the first was already concealed. "Humans learn things differently," she continued. "Some learn by example, or by doing the newly learned process over and over again, and some—" _

"_You speak of what is frequently described as muscle memory." _

_Uhura was now nearly glaring at him, almost offended that he had interrupted her, or at least tried to. "—of them are audible learners and have to hear things in order to absorb the new information." _

_Spock seemed to be deep in thought for a moment as he took in what she had said. When he next raised his gaze to meet hers he seemed almost apologetic, but just barely. He was very difficult to read visually. "And…which method of learning is the most effective for you, Miss Uhura?" _

_She relaxed, hoping that he may forgive her this time for mangling one of his culture's simple songs. "Usually, I learn by listening." She saw him nod. "And sometimes I figure things out on my own." _

_He lowered his eyes again. She thought this might be his 'thinking face.' "I had suspected that it was presumptuous to expect proficiency in music native to my home. I did not consider this fault in my instruction until this afternoon." He lifted his eyes again to hers. "That being the situation, I have researched some pieces more familiar to Terran cultures and sounds." He produced a PADD from behind his back and placed it on the table close enough to her so that she could see the contents of the device. "This method was recommended as an alternate form in which your lessons could progress." _

_Uhura leaned forward being sure to protect the Vulcan's musical instrument. She recognized the song he had displayed on the PADD. She smiled at it. It was a love song entitled, _Beyond Antares._ One of her favorites. "Do you know the piece?" he asked. _

_Uhura smiled up to him. "Of course I do." _

_Delicately, Spock lifted the lyrette from her. She grew alarmed instantly. "Mister Spock, I thought we were continuing the lessons!" she gasped, thinking that he had changed his mind. _

"_I have not had the opportunity to prepare the music accompaniment to the piece. It is unfamiliar to me." He sat in the chair next to hers, and gently set the instrument on his leg, leaning the body toward his right shoulder. Uhura was unsure of what he was about to do. Once he seemed to settle himself with the ka'athyra, he readied his hands to play. Then, he stared at an indistinct spot in front of him. Uhura looked at him blankly unsure of what he was doing. Then, his eyes darted up to look at her inquisitively. _

"_Are you waiting for something, Mister Spock?" _

"_You indicated that you have knowledge of the melody," he said, which she did not think explained much of anything. _

"_Yes." _

"_I must hear it before I can develop the appropriate accompaniment." _

_Then, she understood. "You want me to sing it?" _

"_Affirmative, Miss Uhura. I must hear it." _

_Uhrua swallowed. "Now?" Spock's response was a single nod. "Okay," she breathed. Then, she cleared her throat and began to sing the song to him. He watched her as she sang, but made no movement. He simply watched her. She got nervous and felt her voice shake. People usually didn't stare at her quite the way Spock did when she sang. He seemed to stab her with his gaze, and it made her uncomfortable. She closed her eyes. The song never seemed longer in her life. Finally, she finished it. _

_It was silent in the room. _

_Then, she opened her eyes. What she saw surprised her. Spock had tilted his head a bit to the right and there was just the hint of an upward curve of his lips. The realization that the Vulcan may be smiling stunned her. "Was…was that helpful, Mister Spock?" _

_He blinked before he responded. "Very much so," he said, in a softer tone than the rest of their conversation. He then began to slowly caress the strings of the instrument, experimenting on an accompanying tune to the song. _

_Uhura remembered his earlier comment on her singing. "Was the pitch alright?"_

_He stopped playing and looked at her, the same tiny curve to his lips. "I must apologize. You possess a pleasing voice with excellent pitch." _

_Uhura's expression was beaming. "Then, we will continue the lessons?" _

"_Indeed." _

But Spock would not softly curl his lips in his barely-there smile again. He would not tilt his head in pleasure as she sang. "And let the years go fading," she continued, now with her eyes open as she sang to her unhearing spouse. "Where my heart is, where my heart is." She was so focused on the last of her singing that she did not hear the quiet hiss of the door. "Where my love is eternally waiting…Somewhere, beyond the stars…Beyond Antares," she finished, desperate to make the last of the song unbroken by her emotion, to keep her fingers steady as she finished the music that Spock had developed so many years ago.

She cradled the ka'athyra to her with one arm as she reach forward with two of her fingers extended. Uhura couldn't bear to touch her lips to his, not now. Not when they were so cold in death, so destroyed by his suffering. They had been the color of a human's lips, probably due to the human blood mixed with his Vulcan blood. But now they were colorless. His lips had always been colder than hers, not through something like poor circulation or any other form of unhealthiness. Vulcans were simply of a lower body temperature than humans. She could not bear to feel his lips like ice on hers one last time, not when they used to feel as smooth and cool as refreshing water. She could not kiss him goodbye in the human way. Therefore, she would show her last affection in the Vulcan way. Her index and middle finger sought out the frigid and stiff corresponding digits of his hand. She curled her fingers around his. Where there had always been a small tingle of an affectionate bond, there was nothing. No reassurances, no emotions buried away, simply nothing.

"Spock used to always enjoy your singing," a new voice interrupted the silence of the room. Uhura gasped and looked up, her mouth open and ready to speak. Kirk walked into the room, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"Admiral—"

He held up a hand, encouraging her silence, as he walked around the antigravity stretcher and lowered himself onto the bed beside her. He stayed far enough away to give her space, but close enough so that if she desired she could seek his comfort. "I'm…" he began awkwardly. It was a rare occasion in which he did not know what to say. "I can't put into words, Uhura, how sorry I am."

Uhura returned her vigilant gaze to Spock, her fingers still clutching his in an empty ozh'esta. "It wasn't your fault."

"The ship was under my command," he said. "I'm responsible for everything that occurs on this ship when I am in command."

Uhura shook her head. "You should know by now that no one could ever command Spock." She stroked the backs of his fingers with her thumb, just to touch him. "Not even his father could command him." Kirk watched her actions, watched the still present tenderness in which she touched Spock. "So how can you even think to claim responsibility for Spock's…death?"

"Because Khan was my enemy – no one else's."

"He was your enemy, but since you commanded this ship and had the loyalty of all hands that made him the enemy of everyone who served under you. He wasn't just your enemy, sir. He was Spock's enemy, Scotty's enemy…and my enemy."

Kirk couldn't bring himself to look at her. They both grew silent beside Spock's body. Then, there was a soft sound, so soft that Kirk barely heard it. After several more minutes he realized that his former Communications Officer's face was streaked in tears, and that her lips were parted just enough to avoid sobbing. "Uhura," he whispered. It was all she needed as acknowledgement. She looked at him, her devastation plainly displayed. Hesitantly, Kirk slowly put his arm over her shoulders as he scooted closer to her. "If you need…anything, _anything_ at all. If there's anything I can do to help you…"

Then, she allowed him to give the comfort he was trying to offer. Still holding the Vulcan lyrette to her body, she buried her face into the fabric of his damaged uniform. She refused to put her whole weight into him. To do so would have forced her to release the ozh-esta. And so, Kirk moved further towards her. He let her cry on him. "Thank you, Admiral," she choked on her voice.

Kirk wrapped his other arm around her, encircling Spock's treasured musical instrument and his friend's widow. "Jim, Uhura. It's Jim." This only made her shake against him. He felt his own tears sting his eyes, but he refused to shed them again. He had to be the strong one now. He had to support her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, though his gaze was drawn to Spock. "I'm so sorry."

After what seemed like hours, the door to Spock's quarters chimed. "Come," whispered Kirk.

The door slid open and Chekov walked into the cabin. "Admiral," he greeted. "Commander," he added once he saw Uhura.

"Yes, Mister Chekov," answered Kirk. "What is it?"

"Ewerything is prepared for the serwices." Chekov walked into the bedchamber so that he could address Uhura directly. "May ve take him?" Uhura's sobs became audible against Kirk, who noticed that her fingers tightened around Spock's, as though desperate not to let him go. Chekov looked to Kirk for help.

"Uhura," Kirk said, gently. "It's time." She shook her head against him. "Would you…Do you need another moment with him alone?" She nodded against him. "Okay. Just open the door when you're ready." Slowly, he released her and got up. Then, he led Chekov out of the cabin.

Once Kirk stood out in the hall he noticed the others that were waiting outside the door as well. He saw Hikaru Sulu, holding a carefully folded Federation flag, looking at it somberly. He saw Leonard McCoy, trying to look unemotional despite the frequent swallowing motion of his throat. He was trying to literally swallow his emotions. In any other circumstance, Kirk may have found it amusing, but not today. Then, he looked at Chekov who stood beside him. These were his crew – his family, Spock's family.

"Jim," McCoy said gruffly. Kirk looked at him. "Just wanted to tell you that Scotty's got everyone else assembled in Engineering." Kirk nodded. McCoy cleared his throat and swallowed again.

"Admiral," whispered Chekov so quietly he was almost not heard. "Vill she be alright?"

Everyone knew that he meant Uhura.

"I hope so, Chekov," Kirk replied. "I hope she will."

They were all quiet before Kirk remembered something. "Chekov, I need you to oversee that Spock's quarters are sealed from anyone. Gather his personal belongings so that we can send them to his parents. But…keep his lyrette out of that group. Give that to Uhura. It might be a source of comfort for her."

Chekov nodded. "Aye, sir."

Kirk was about to thank him when the door opened to the cabin. Uhura stood before then, her expression set in the same emotionless mask she displayed when she arrived in Engineering just after Spock died. She said nothing. She only nodded at them before stepping aside so that they could enter. Kirk looked pointedly at McCoy before he went into the room again with Chekov.

McCoy walked up to Uhura and offered her his arm, still stubbornly clinging to ancient southern gentlemanly manners. Her mask of blankness did not shift as she accepted his arm. Like a sympathetic parental figure, McCoy reached across himself and covered the hand curled around his arm with his free hand, resting it atop hers comfortingly. Neither of them said a word, for none was needed.

The door hissed open again. Chekov led the antigravity stretcher from the front while Kirk directed it from the back as they maneuvered it through the door. Once they had achieved this, they took a position on either side of it. Kirk nodded at Sulu, who turned and began to lead the way towards Engineering. Kirk and Chekov walked on either side of the stretcher all the way. McCoy, meanwhile, escorted Spock's widow walking directly behind the stretcher, closest to the half-Vulcan's head.

When they reached Engineering, the final preparations were handled. They carefully transferred Spock's body into a torpedo casing and closed it as delicately and carefully as a real casket. Sulu reverently draped the Federation flag over it. Chekov oversaw that it was correctly loaded so that it would go through the entire process without a glitch. Finally, they all joined the members of the crew. Saavik was already there, trying to stand stoically at her place. McCoy brought Uhura to stand next to Saavik. Spock's widow let the doctor go, but McCoy refused to move elsewhere. He stayed at her side. Kirk came to stand next to him, barely noticing Scotty in his ceremonial dress near the wall to his right. Chekov mirrored Uhura's position on the other side of Kirk. And lastly, Sulu mirrored Saavik's position.

Then, the torpedo bearing Spock began to descend. Kirk began to speak. "We are assembled here today to pay respects to our honored dead…" After he began, Kirk barely heard what he was saying. He was glad he had prepared this earlier and did not have to improvise. He spoke without knowing really what he was saying, or if he was slurring, or choking on his own emotions. He barely saw David and Carol looking at him. He barely heard Saavik's muffled sniffling.

By the time Spock's body was drifting away to be launched, Kirk did not even hear Scotty playing the bagpipes.

**To be continued…**

**Chapter Notes:** _I was not sure what Spock's cabin number would be. That being the case, I shoved some information together that I found. I used "C-Deck" from Chekov's announcement in _Star Trek III – The Search for Spock_. I also decided to use the room designation that I could barely make out from _The Original Series episode Amok Time_. My version was blurry, so it kind of looked like "3F 125" to me. If that's not it, and someone knows what it is, please correct me. Thanks._

_In regards to writing Pavel Chekov's dialogue: I have tried previously tried to write a dialect for other characters in other stories (not of the Star Trek fandom) and since I have a very difficult time in keeping it always consistent, I've decided to go minimalistic – replacing w's with v's, and v's with w's. We all know the style of Chekov's speech patterns. Please be forgiving. Thanks. _

_Chekov and Sulu have a platonic relationship in this story. Nothing more. (Just to clarify.) _

_Lyrics for the song Uhura sings are not mine. They are to the song from the Original Series. It is called _Beyond Antares_. She sings or hums the song in several episodes ('The Conscience of the King' and 'The Changling,' respectively.) The lyrics are not mine and were written by Gene L. Coon. _

_There is at least one line directly quoted from _Star Trek I – The Wrath of Khan. _I obviously did not write the script, but I use it with respect. _

_Vulcan Terminology, located through the Vulcan Language Dictionary__ (Anyone know how to do plurals in Vulcan? If so, letting me know would be appreciated. Thanks.) :_

"_ko-mekh" = Mother. _

"_C'thia" = The Vulcan philosophy of reality-truth, logic, and the way things are. _

"_Yeht'es" = Truth; conformity to fact or actuality; a statement proven to be or accepted as true; reality; actuality. _

"_Olozhika" = Logic; the study of the principles of reasoning, especially of the structure or propositions as distinguished from their content and of method and validity in deductive reasoning. (Also spelled ozhika.)_

"_Kro'el t'vel-wehk." = The way things are. (Literally, "[The] way of many thing.")_

"_Adun t'nash-veh" = My husband. _

"_Reldai" = Priestess; female religions leader, ruler, or princess._

"_Katra" = Spirit/Soul; the living essence of a Vulcan; a combination of soul and memory._

"_Katric Arks" = polycrystalline vessels, allegedly used by ancient Vulcans to preserve katras._

"_Sa-mekh" = Father._

"_Ka'athyra" = The Vulcan lyrette. Stringed musical instrument like an electric harp; propped on the shoulder and sitting on the lap when playing. Spock played one._

"_Ozh'esta" = finger embrace, the touching of the index finger and middle fingers between bondmates and/or t'hy'la._

_~ All of that being said, please leave a review! Let me know what you think of this chapter or other chapters. Feedback is payment for fic authors. However, keep your flames to yourself. Thank you! Hope to hear from you, readers! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! _


	5. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes:** _Hope someone out there still wants to read this. This should be the __last grief-centric chapter.__ There will be moments/sections of grief in future chapters, but this should be the last in which it permeates the chapter. _

_To reviewer – MJackson:__ Thank you for your review! I'm glad you are enjoying the story. However, it is fanon that Vulcans have a higher body temperature than humans. The opposite is canon. Vulcans have an internal body temperature of 91 degrees Fahrenheit, while Humans have a temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit. This can be confirmed through the use of the Starfleet Medical Reference Manual. _

_Enjoy the chapter, everyone! ~ RK _

**Chapter Four**

**~ Vulcan ~ **

_He would have never admitted it to anyone around him, but Sarek was consumed with worry. Beyond the geometrical doors to the medical area was his wife, his human wife, his Amanda. Beyond those doors he knew that she was laying on a gurney, most likely sedated even though she would have protested it, with medical staff tended to the pregnant woman. The physicians found her outspokenness unbecoming of the wife of the Ambassador to Earth. However, it was in her nature to be outspoken, to be opinionated…to be emotional. She had begun to improve in that regard and at times Sarek was grateful for her efforts. _

_But at times like this, when there was nothing but silence in the hallways despite the numerous medical personnel going about their duties, when he could not hear anything, not even through their relatively new marriage bond, Sarek longed for her to voice her opinion loudly and humanly. _

_He sat in the waiting area with a clear line of vision to the doors through which his wife had been taken. He gazed unmoving at the closed doors, as illogical as it was to do so. Staring at them would not cause them to open any sooner. They would not open because he wished them to open. _

_But then they did open, and a figure passed through. His attention was riveted to this young male Vulcan physician as he walked serenely in Sarek's direction. From his experience with his wife, Sarek was growing accustomed to knowing what her disposition was for an imminent conversation based on her expression alone. However, among his own people…among the stoicism and serenity…he could not even begin to hypothesize in which direction – good or bad – the conversation that was about to occur would lead. _

_The physician halted before him as Sarek stood from his chair. "Ambassador Sarek," the younger Vulcan greeted. _

"_How does my wife fare?" he asked._

_The physician replied with little to no inflection. "Your wife is well physically. We are unaware of her mental state, due to the necessity of sedating her during the procedure." _

"_Procedure?" A small sense of unease began to swell in him. _

"_Affirmative." _

_Sarek breathed for a moment, reluctant to ask what he must. "And the child?" _

_Without shirking in his medical training, the younger Vulcan replied, "The _fetus_," he stressed the word as though chastising Sarek for his chosen term, "was not viable. The pregnancy was naturally terminated. The miscarriage process had begun before your arrival to our premises. Any action that we would have taken would have concluded with the same result." _

_Sarek swallowed, forcing any emotion to the physician's announcement away from his immediate consciousness. "What are the chances of a viable pregnancy for my wife?" _

"_A viable pregnancy between the dissimilar physiology and cellular biology of a Vulcan and a Human is less than ten point three seven five percent." _

"_So low," he whispered, the information barely registering with him. "Is there a procedure that will increase the chances of a successful birth? Possibly a way to temporarily alter my wife's biological chemistry, or her genetics, in order for her to deliver a child between us naturally and successfully?" _

_The physician was silent for a moment. "Negative. Altering her Human genetics in any way would irreparably damage her and make her physically far more delicate than the current structure of her weaker species. She would not survive the pregnancy."_

_Sarek turned away from the physician. He did not think of his wife as weak. She had relocated to Vulcan to be with him, forcing herself to be completely isoltaed on a planet so very much unlike Earth. She has suffered through numerous insults from his people for simply being Human, and had handled such taunts with more grace than even Sarek had expected. She had been his anchor in his Pon Farr. If she could withstand any of those physical and mental trials, then his Amanda was not weak. _

"_Ambassador," continued the physician. "It is statistically unlikely that any natural efforts taken between you and your wife will result in healthy offspring. The only option available is the use of medical and scientific intervention." It was a topic that Sarek knew he would have to discuss with Amanda, but not now, not so soon after they had lost a child._

_Through their marriage bond, Sarek felt his mind flooded with a grief so foreign to him he barely was able to categorize it as grief. In an instant he realized that Amanda was awake and had just been stoically informed that she had miscarried. "Forgive me, doctor," Sarek said to the physician. "I must go to my wife. Lead me to her." _

_The other Vulcan said nothing in response. He simply turned and led Sarek through the doors and guided him through a hallway until he stopped beside a door, through which was heard the human sobs of grief. "I will go no further. This is a private matter." _

_Sarek nodded and gathered himself to go through the doors. The physician said one last thing. "Ambassador." Sarek looked at him. "I grieve with thee." _

_Sarek said nothing as he mentally prepared himself to enter his wife's room. But when the door slid aside and he saw the devastation plainly on Amanda's face, when her eyes desperately sought for him, and when he heard a choked sob tear from her throat, he knew that there was no way he could have prepared himself enough. _

Sarek's eyes sprang open in the blackness of the bedchamber. He could not determine what had awoken him. Then, he recognized the sound of the communication console in the nearby room as it beeped, alerting him of an incoming message. He already knew what it would contain. It would be someone else's condolences on the loss of his son. He did not wish to listen to another sympathetic message...from anyone.

Instead, he chose to tighten his arms around the sleeping body of his wife, who lay curled on her side with her spine pressed against his chest. He pulled her impossibly closer, fitting his body to hers, molding himself to her. Sheltering her. Comforting her. He breathed in the scent of her hair, remembering the first time he caught her scent. The scent of wild Terran fruits that his Vulcan senses had never experienced, yet found surprisingly hypnotic. Her hair still smelled the same, but had grown a little paler in color, her looks have weathered, her eyes have lost their bright shine, and with this latest blow her soul had broken. Sarek missed his wife, which he did not think could be possible since he had not left her side since he felt their son's death.

Amanda stirred as the beeping continued unanswered. "Sarek?"

He nuzzled her neck, trying to be as comforting and present as possible. "It is nothing of importance."

"You don't know that."

"I do." He felt her shift so that she could rest her arms over his that wrapped around her. She lay her hand on his and wove their fingers together. "I do not wish for you to experience another condolence from officials unconnected to us."

"What if they have news?"

He did not exactly sigh against her skin, but the exhale through his nose felt like one to her. "If it is relevant news, then they will leave a recorded message for us. They must understand that we are grieving and would rather not be disturbed at the present time."

"But…what if it's about…Sp—" Her voice broke off in a quiet sob. Sarek could do nothing but move with her as her body shook with her grief. He closed his eyes for a moment. Then, he urged her to turn in the bed to face him. Her expression was devastating. It took a great amount of strength to keep himself under control as he looked at her. "I'm sorry," she began.

Allowing himself to display something other than his Vulcan serenity, he touched his fingertips to her trembling lips. In any other circumstance, he would have thought it a beautiful meeting of their respective culture's kissing customs, but not at that moment. "Do not," he said quietly. "You have nothing for which to apologize." Unfortunately, his gesture and his words only made her weep more. He did not understand.

Not certain of what else to do, Sarek swept his fingers along her cheek in a tender and concerned caress. He held his fingertips just above her skin. "Amanda," he whispered to her as gently as he knew how. When her eyes opened and glittered waterlogged back at him, he proceeded to speak. "May I?"

She did not have to look away from his eyes to understand what her husband was requesting. "You never have to ask," she said before tilting her face just so for permission for Sarek to gently press his fingertips against the familiar points.

He did not need words to initiate the link to become open between them. He fell into his wife's mind with well-practiced ease. He soothed her rampaging thoughts, her crippling grief, her pain. "Sleep, my wife," he whispered aloud. "Let me calm your thoughts." He felt rather than heard her ragged breathing. "Be still with me. Let me soothe your mind." Slowly, she began to grow heavy and limp as she neared sleep.

He prepared to withdraw his hand from her skin when her fingers brushed against his chest softly. "Don't," she mumbled drowsily, "go."

"I will be with you when you wake," he promised. As he removed his fingers from her face, he touched his lips to her cheek. "Sleep," he crooned.

When Amanda had been peacefully resting for almost an hour, Sarek eased himself out of the bed and walked to the neighboring room where the communication console was kept. He activated it and found that there was a message from Admiral James T. Kirk. He remembered the man. They had only met several times. He recalled with startling clarity the first meeting aboard _The Enterprise_ many years past, when the captain of the ship – who Sarek found to be rather young at the time – was assigned to conduct many ambassadors to the Babel Conference. Sarek thought that it seemed so long ago now.

"_As soon as you're settled, I'll arrange a tour of the ship. Mr. Spock will conduct you."_

"_I prefer…another guide." _He remembered Amanda's eyes falling shut, Spock's head tilting down just enough to give away his thoughts, and seeing the suspicious hardening of Captain Kirk's eyes before the young human replied.

"_As you wish." _Then, he looked to Sarek's son. _"Mr. Spock, we leave orbit in two hours. Would you care to beam down and visit your parents?" _

When Spock spoke, Sarek noted that he seemed almost reluctant to do so. Amanda, however, did not restrain herself from looking at her son, nor from turning back to Kirk with a rather graciously proud grin when their son said, "_Sir, Ambassador Sarek and his wife…_are_ my parents."_ What he did clearly remember was seeing Captain Kirk's surprise on his face at the announcement and thinking how Starfleet allowed that man to run a starship when he could not realize that he was standing before a Vulcan male who introduced a Human woman as his wife and not make the very easy connection that it was highly likely he stood before his first officer's parents. Sarek was not impressed with Captain Kirk, despite the man's service record.

While he was lost in the memory, Sarek did not focus on the man's message until a particular phrase. "…send him to the surface of the newborn planet to rest in peace. I regret to inform you of your son's passing in this way. We only barely have enough power to return to Earth's Spacedock. If it were otherwise, I would have ordered the ship to go to Vulcan to deliver this missive to you and your wife personally. On behalf of my crew, I give you all of our condolences on the loss of your son. If there is anything I, personally, can do for you in this time, please…inform me at once. Admiral Kirk, out."

The comm. screen went dark and Sarek saw his reflection directly where Kirk's face had been. He slowly lowered himself in the chair in front of the comm. unit, resting his hands flat on the surface as he continued to stare at his reflection. It suddenly occurred to him that he was not as in control of himself as it should be. He was not supposed to break, he was not supposed to let his deeply buried emotions come to the surface.

But did that apply to a Vulcan when they experience the loss of a child?

At that moment, Sarek felt his remaining controls shatter with a revelation. Why did it take him so long to think of Spock as his child again? The day Spock left Vulcan to attend Starfleet rather than the Vulcan Science Academy was when it began, and only when he lost him completely did he desire to have his son returned to him. Overwhelmed with regret, Sarek allowed his mind to wander once more. He could not stop the regret from surfacing any more. He was only thankful that Amanda was not awake to witness it. He had to remain strong and controlled for her. Sarek reached out to grip the comm. unit in front of him, clinging to a machine that could offer him nothing in return.

"_Mother," a young Spock asked from his reclining position in bed. "What is the purpose of this ritual in which you are insisting? Is it human in origin?" Spock was bundled in covers. His usually pale skin was now flushed a light green, his eyes bloodshot in a dark jade. His short, black hair stuck up in some places, which was unnerving for the young Vulcan boy. Sarek was certain that Amanda had located spare blankets in order to further wrap around their son, who was looking increasingly tiny surrounded by so many blankets. Sarek stood in the doorway to his son's room, watching his wife tend to Spock. _

_Amanda was sitting in a chair next to Spock's bed, holding a steaming bowl, a spoon resting in it. "You are sick, sweetie. Let me help you get better." _

_Her five year old son looked skeptically at the bowl in her hands. "Soup will not aid in improving my health, mother." He shifted in his blanket cocoon. "Nor will being smothered in this excessive amount of coverings." _

"_Spock," Amanda spoke with a voice filled with patience. "You have a fever." _

"_I am perfectly aware that I am feverish, mother," the little Vulcan interrupted. _

"_Spock!" came a new and firmer voice from the doorway. Both Amanda and Spock looked at Sarek. "Do not interrupt your mother." Spock's expression went blank and he averted his eyes from his father. _

"_Sarek, you don't have to be too harsh on him." _

"_Being ill is not cause to be disrespectful," he countered. "Continue." _

_For a moment, Amanda looked as though she were offended that Sarek seemed to order her to resume caring for their son, but chose instead to focus on Spock and not her husband's words. "Spock," she called to get his attention. When he lifted his eyes to hers she smiled kindly at him. "Would you like your breakfast, now, sweetie?" _

_He stared at her expressionlessly. "If I were to refuse nourishment at this time, it would result in a waste of the food as plomeek soup loses much of its nutritional value if it is reheated." _

_Amanda sighed, knowing that it was a very long way to simply say 'yes.' She stirred the soup before she made the first motions of feeding her son the soup. When she looked up she saw Spock looking at her with a grimace. "I am not an invalid and am perfectly capable of feeding myself." _

"_And how can you feed yourself if your hands are buried in those covers?" she countered, looking at him smugly. _

_Spock met her gaze. "They are unnecessary and not required to improve my health."_

"_Spock," came the voice of Sarek again. "You will permit your mother to care for you in the manner of her human customs."_

"_But I am not fully human like mother." _

_Sarek raised his eyebrow at his son. "In observance of that fact, your mother has not prepared Terran food, but your preferred morning meal. Do as your mother wishes, Spock." _

_Spock finally allowed his mother to care for him, despite his objections. Sarek did not usually approve of Amanda fussing over their son like she was that day. However, he also knew that she felt isolated on Vulcan, and whenever she was permitted to indulge in practices from her native planet, she was happy. It pleased Sarek to cause his wife's happiness in any way he could. If he had to order Spock to allow his mother to take care of him, then so be it. _

_He watched from the doorway until Amanda turned to him and requested that he bring her a cold compress. Sarek did not acknowledge the request other than leaving the doorway to fulfill it. When he returned he heard the voices of his wife and son. He stopped several feet from the door and listened. _

"_Why would you say that, Spock?" _

"_It is clear that Father regards you highly in his gestures and affections towards you, but—" _

"_Spock, even those are quite reserved for a Vulcan husband." _

"_But they are still there."_

_Sarek discreetly peered around the doorway just enough to glimpse them. In the small view he had of them, he saw his wife's face struck with sadness. "Oh, Spock. Your father cares for you very much." _

"_If that is so, then he poorly executes such care. In all of his criticisms he has yet to fail in making one common statement. 'You must embrace the Vulcan culture and traditions fully in order to avoid any cruelties from your peers.'" Spock looked up at his mother. "How can I be fully Vulcan if I am _not_ fully Vulcan?"_

_Amanda reached out and ran her fingers over his hair, trying to flatten it. She ended her movement by cupping her son's green-flushed cheek. "You can't, sweetie." _

_The expression on Spock's face was crestfallen. "Then, I will always fail him." _

Finally, the first tear fell. In his thoughts, Sarek berated himself. Why did he not think Spock's doubts, though spoken in the midst of a fever, were unimportant? That they were not valid concerns?

He remembered when Spock, headstrong and determined, left home to enlist in Starfleet. It was this event that caused a rift between them for eighteen years. They did not speak for nearly two decades. Sarek found himself suddenly realizing that it was all wasted time. Time that he could never have back. He now saw that this rift had also caused a smaller one between himself and Amanda. She missed her son. She had wanted to have him visit home again, but Sarek had forbidden it for a long time until he noticed how lonely she grew, how lifeless she became. He allowed Spock to visit, then, but the tension between himself and Amanda remained firm.

And just like that, Sarek realized something else. He had caused his wife's grief, her pain, her loneliness. It was not Spock's departure that caused it. It was his refusal to contact or speak to his son.

Had he damaged so much?

"_Father?" _

_Sarek did not turn from his seat in his private office in their home. He was working. He had just concluded a video conference with several high officials from Earth. He only had ten and three quarter minutes to prepare his report to the Vulcan High Council on the conclusion of the discussion, including what – if anything – was settled during it. He had work to do. _

"_Father?" persisted his young son. _

"_Spock, you know better than to interrupt my work while I am conducting it." _

_There was a brief silence during which Sarek waited for the sound of retreating footsteps, but he heard nothing. _

"_Must I dismiss you?" _

"_I have a query pertaining to the reading assigned to me this afternoon. It concerns the ancient fal-tor-pan ritual after one would pass on his or her katra." _

_Sarek did turn in his seat then to look at his son with an expression devoid of emotion, but a gaze filled with lost patience. "Spock. If you have concerns over your required reading, seek the information from those that can provide an answer. There are many options for you to consult long before you must come to me. Have you attempted to do so?" So absorbed was he in instructing his son in how he should go about his problem that he did not comprehend that his son's expression fell in shame as the child shook his head. "You must exhaust all options on your own before seeking assistance, Spock. It will enable you to rely on yourself rather than others. As it is, I cannot assist you at this moment. I must report to the High Council." _

_Sarek saw Spock hesitate for a moment, but noticed that the room's smaller occupant's hands clutched the datapad tightly. "Do you understand?" Without another word, Spock lowered his head in a feeble nod and did not again raise it. "Go, now, Spock. Find your answers." Spock kept his head down as he turned slowly and left the room. _

_Sarek had thought he was encouraging his son to be resourceful and independent. _

Now, he realized that he was hurting his son.

Sarek lowered his head and allowed an emotion to rise to the surface of his Vulcan exterior. He allowed himself to feel shame. It suddenly became clear to him that his son had done exactly what he had tried to teach him – he sought answers elsewhere when he could no longer find them on Vulcan. He went to Earth, to Starfleet. Spock had exhausted all options here and when he did not find them, he went somewhere else. Sarek finally realized what his son had sought.

Acceptance.

Did he really believe that Sarek did not accept his son as he was? Did he ever contradict that belief? He remembered demanding that Spock enroll at the Vulcan Science Academy. Spock did not desire it. When Sarek pushed him towards it, Spock refused and combated him with the insistence that his scientific skills would be put to better use in Starfleet, to expand the knowledge that he had gained in his youth studies and pass it to others rather than contain it on Vulcan and the endeavors of his race. Sarek did not agree, and it had caused their divide.

Was it necessary? Sarek now saw that Spock had done exactly what his father had encouraged since he was a child. Only for Spock to believe that despite following his father's guidance he had still managed to fail him.

Sarek let out a breath that could have passed as the equivalent of a human sob, though it was only audible as a gentle sigh. "Forgive me, my son. I have failed you," he said to no one. It was illogical to do so, but he needed to speak the words aloud. "You have not failed me."

As daylight arrived through the windows of his estate, Sarek realized that he had remained awake through the night and was still in his seat facing the comm. unit. He felt his wife stir awake and knew when she had silently entered the room. "Sarek? Have you been awake all night?"

"I have."

He felt her come to stand beside him, and saw her hand reach towards his shoulder in his peripheral vision. She hesitated. "Why?"

"I was…contemplating failure."

"What do you—"

"I was an inadequate father. I did not nurture my son. I did not guide him. I…forced him away."

Amanda did touch him then, but not on the shoulder. She had stepped around him and faced him directly to cup his chin to gently urge him to look at her. "Why would you say that?"

Sarek thought of the two incidents that his grieving mind recalled during the night. His mind was trying to tell him something. What was it? He closed his eyes as he thought. Then, he heard his young son's voice in his head again. _"I have a query pertaining to…the ancient fal-tor-pan ritual after one would pass on his or her katra."_ His eyes flung open as his breath left him in a gasp of realization. He stood so quickly that his wife could not hold back a tiny yelp of alarm.

"Sarek!" she called, as he left the room as though it were an urgent matter. "What is it?" By the time she caught up to him, he was already gathering a small compartment of clothing. "Sarek, what are you doing?" He did not seem to hear her. He kept preparing his things. Terror seized Amanda. She charged him and grabbed his forearm tightly. "Sarek, talk to me!" she cried.

As though he had been snapped from a deep meditation, Sarek's dark eyes latched onto her. They were filled with an urgent spark – but not the spark of anything to do with Pon Farr. This was a spark of purpose. Gradually, that fire melted away as tenderness took its place. He reached over with his other hand and removed her hand from him, only to coax it into the familiar ozh'esta. "I must go to Earth."

"Why?"

"There is something I must repair. Those that are capable of aiding my cause will be found at Starfleet."

Amanda shook her head, only keeping her tears at bay from the determination and confidence she felt from her marriage bond to Sarek. "Let me go with you."

He shook his head. "I cannot. Please, my wife. Allow me to do this." He reached up with his now free hand to cup her cheek, stroking his thumb along her skin to collect her tears. "I would not bear it if you were to accompany me and witness my failure."

"Sarek—"

"When I return, I will bring hope to you again." He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers. He felt her other hand curl around the nape of his neck to hold him to her.

"Don't go," she begged.

"How can I remain here and watch you in so much pain, when I can act to reverse it?" He heard her quiet hitching sob. He moved his middle and forefinger along hers, trying to soothe her with his kisses. "Please, allow me to do this." She separated their foreheads and looked up at him. Her face was streaked with tears as she nodded. Sensing in their bond that Vulcan kisses were not enough for her, Sarek lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers. He felt her desperation, her grief, and her complete lack of understanding of what it was he was going to do.

It did not matter. When he returned their son to her alive and well, she would not need to understand.

**Chapter Notes:** _Direct quotes from Episode 39 of Star Trek: The Original Series – Journey to Babel was used in this chapter. They are obviously not mine. _

_The end of this chapter takes us all right to Star Trek: The Search for Spock. This is not the end of the story, though. There is much more. Hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Review with constructive criticism and general opinions. Keep flames to yourself, however. Thank you! ~ RK _


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